How to Know a Person

Introduction

The book How to Know a Person teaches us how to really connect with people. It shows us how to look past their appearance and personality, and discover their true selves: their stories, their passions, their motivations, and more. It admits that this is not easy – but it is very important for having good relationships. Luckily, with some effort, we can all learn how to talk better, listen better, and appreciate people more.

Nowadays, we talk a lot about “relationships,” “community,” and “social connection.” We know that being lonely is bad for us – and we want to make friends and join groups. But do we really understand what these words mean? Do we know how to ask the questions that make a friendship stronger? Can we put aside our own opinions to listen and learn from someone else? And can we be with someone who is hurting, even if it makes us feel bad? These skills are very useful in everyday life, but we don’t learn them in school. That’s why many people feel lonely and unhappy, and wish they had better friends. But don’t worry, you can learn how to see others – and make them feel seen. You can learn how to be kind, to understand others, and to love them better. This summary will tell you how.

Chapter 1: Seeing and being seen

The Irish writer George Bernard Shaw said, “The worst thing you can do to someone is not to hate them, but to ignore them: that’s very cruel.” This means that the worst way to hurt someone is to act like they don’t matter – or don’t exist. On the other hand, one of the best things you can do for someone is to see and understand them. It can change your life to hear someone see and compliment a skill in you that you didn’t know you had. Or for someone to know exactly what you want at the right time, and give it to you with love and care. Besides making you happy, there are many reasons to learn how to see others. First of all, many of your big life choices depend on it. You need to be able to see your future partner beyond their looks and job, and know if you’re a good match; you need to be able to see if a possible employee or roommate will stay calm in a problem and be kind to others. Also, countries around the world are trying to make governments that are more diverse than ever before. For these countries to do well, people must be able to see across race, culture, and beliefs. But right now, these skills are missing. Black people feel that white people don’t get the unfair things they face. People from the countryside feel that people from the coast ignore and look down on them. And there are more examples. Fixing the broken social bond doesn’t mean solving all of these issues at once. Instead, it begins with each person. Only when we all get better at seeing and understanding others can we start to slowly fix the wider social bond.

Chapter 2: Stop making people feel small, start making them shine

Have you ever seen or been on a first date where one person talked only about themselves? Or been near a table at a restaurant where everyone looked at their phones and not at each other? In these situations, at least one person is being a diminisher. Diminishers are people who make others feel unimportant and invisible. They care only about themselves, they use others for their own benefit, and they judge people based on stereotypes. The opposite of diminishers are illuminators. Illuminators are always interested in others. They know how to ask good questions at the right time. They make people feel valued, seen, and important. Illuminators can make a big difference in their surroundings. A good example is from Bell Labs. In the early 1900s, the bosses noticed that some of their scientists did more work and got more patents than others. They found out that those scientists often ate with Harry Nyquist, an electric engineer. Nyquist was an illuminator. He was so good at listening to his co-workers’ problems and asking helpful questions that he helped them do their best. Sadly, many of us act more like diminishers than illuminators. We want to share our own views, stories, or opinions too much, and we don’t pay attention to others. Or we worry too much about how we look, and we don’t really listen. But don’t worry, you can learn how to be an illuminator. One way to do this is to pretend – even if you don’t really think so – that every person has a special, eternal soul. Act like every person you meet has something valuable inside them. If you do, you will probably treat them well. You will become friendly, respectful, and admiring by default. Illuminators look at other people with a lot of kindness. Rembrandt paintings show this well. When you see a person painted by Rembrandt, you see all of their flaws. But you also see their whole humanity – their depth, their complexity. With Rembrandt’s kind, illuminating look, a normal person becomes amazing.

Chapter 3: Getting to know each other

Most of life is made of normal moments. It’s a work meeting. It’s talking with other parents at school. It’s buying food with your partner. In these everyday things, we can learn more about each other – not just face-to-face, but side-by-side. It begins with small talk. Talking about the weather or Taylor Swift may seem boring. But these easy conversations help make friends and slowly feel more comfortable and respectful. That’s important, because the body needs to feel good before the mind can open up. When it’s time to go deeper, you’ll need to talk well. Talking can be very hard – but it’s very important. To see a person well, you have to ask them how they see things. You can’t think you already know. The best talkers aren’t the people who can make jokes or say smart things. Instead, they’re the people who can make a two-way exchange, a shared discovery. One way to do that is by giving your full attention or none at all. Think about it – no one likes to talk about something and see that the other person isn’t listening. As a listener, you can stop this by doing nothing else and focusing on the conversation. You should also try to be a loud listener. For an example, just watch Oprah Winfrey, a great talker. When Oprah talks to someone, she shows how she feels and reacts to the other person’s feelings – her mouth opens in shock, she makes sounds, or she sits and nods carefully. This kind of active listening makes the other person share more than hide more. Good talkers don’t worry about silence in talking. Most people start thinking of an answer while the other person is still talking. But that’s a problem, because when you do that, you stop listening. A good talker waits until the other person is done talking, then maybe raises his finger to say he needs a moment. Only then does he think of his answer. In the end, people want to talk about themselves. They’re just used to people not listening. Little by little, you can start to change that.

Chapter 4: Bridging the gap

It’s hard to get to know someone. But it’s even harder now. In the United States, people are very angry about politics and very lonely. Many people don’t know how to see and understand each other as humans. This has bad effects. More people killed themselves in America from 1999 to 2019. More people said they have no close friends from 1990 to 2020. Many people felt lonely often – especially young people. Some people try to feel better with politics. They join groups that are mad at people who think differently. But that’s not real connection or friendship – it’s just being mad together. To fix the problems that separate people, we need to talk about hard things that can make us closer. Before you talk about hard things, think about where and how you’re talking. For example, if you’re a well-educated professional, you might feel comfortable at a nice hotel. It might not be the same if you’re a truck driver from West Virginia. If you’re like the professional, be curious about the truck driver and her job. Show her that she can be herself with you. If someone talks about a time when they felt left out, hurt, or wrong, don’t get mad or talk about yourself. Just listen. You might think they’re lying or overreacting – and maybe you’re right. But you should still try to see things their way and understand their world. If the talk goes bad anyway, you should stop and take a break. Try to figure out, together, why things got hard. Then, say why you’re talking and what you want to do. You may never know what it’s like to be someone else – to have a different color, gender, age, or ability. But if you get better at talking about hard things, you can still learn how they see things, and make them trust you more.

Chapter 5: Different ways of seeing

We often think that what we see is the same as what others see. But many studies show that this is not true. For example, a psychologist named Dennis Proffitt did an experiment with students at the University of Virginia. He asked them to guess how steep the hills on the campus were. Most of them guessed wrong. They thought the hills were steeper than they really were. But one group was more right – the women’s soccer team. They did not see the hills as very steep because they were strong and fit. They could walk up the hills easily. Other people who drank energy drinks or listened to happy music also saw less steep hills. This shows that different people see the world differently. How we see things depends on many things, like how we live, who we are, and where we come from. That is why we need to try to see the world from other people’s point of view. When you want to understand someone else, you should think about how their culture and background affect their thinking. For example, David Brooks is Jewish. He does not go to the synagogue or speak Hebrew, but he still has some Jewish traits. He likes to read and write a lot. He also feels like he does not belong anywhere in the world. Your culture affects you too, even if you do not realize it. For example, how do you feel about lying in court to help a friend? Most people in the US and Canada would never do that. But many people in Nepal, Venezuela, and South Korea think it is okay! So, when you want to understand someone else, you should also learn about their culture and history. You should see how they accept or reject their culture. This way, you can avoid making wrong or unfair judgments. You can see other people as they really are.

Chapter 6: Being there for the hurting

David Brooks had a good friend named Pete. Pete was always happy and full of life. He loved his wife, his sons, and his job as an eye doctor. Brooks never thought Pete would get depressed. But he did. In April 2022, Pete killed himself. Brooks saw how Pete suffered. He learned some hard things. He did some things wrong. But he also learned how to help someone who is depressed. He learned not to make them feel better, but to make them feel seen and loved. He learned to stay with them and show them he cared. He learned to send them little messages to remind them they were not alone. This way of helping is based on empathy. Empathy is not a feeling, but a skill. You can learn it. It helps you see and know others when they are hurting, no matter how bad it is. One empathy skill is mentalizing. This means guessing why someone feels a certain way. Mentalizing helps us see how others feel in different ways. For example, if you see someone on their first day at work, you might remember your own first day. This will help you see how they feel: happy, scared, nervous, and more. Another empathy skill is caring. This means forgetting about yourself and thinking about what the other person needs. For example, if you are with someone who is having a panic attack, you might want some wine. But they might not. They might want you to hold their hand and help them breathe. This might be hard, but you do it because you have empathy. The world needs more empathetic people. Many people are afraid and hurt, and they need someone to show them there is hope. By learning empathy, we make the world a better, kinder, happier place.

Summary

To really know someone, you need to forget what you think and listen to what they say. Everyone is different and has their own way of seeing things. This comes from their family, their life, their culture, and many other things. When you talk to people, you should be interested and ask questions that let them tell you their stories and opinions.

About the author

David Brooks writes and talks about many things. He works for newspapers and magazines. He also appears on TV shows. He has written popular books about people, society, and the world. Some of his books are Bobos in Paradise and The Social Animal.