The Status Game

Introduction

The Status Game book shows how people secretly compete for status in everything they do. It reveals the hidden rules of this game and how they affect our decisions and actions. It also helps the honest player to keep their balance and succeed in a crazy world.

Imagine you have three people from different backgrounds: an Eritrean stuntwoman, a Slovakian chess genius, and an Inuit shaman. Who would be the leader in a group? They would all try to prove themselves and get a higher rank. We all have a natural desire to be respected and admired by others. That’s why we chase money or fame, or give to charity. But sometimes we do the opposite for the same reason. Many of our behaviors are driven by subconscious status goals. In this summary, you’ll learn more about yourself, the hidden rules of the status game, and how to play it well – without losing yourself in it.

Chapter 1: You were born to play

Ben Gunn killed his friend when he was 14 and spent 25 years in jail. He had a lover and people who wanted him to be free. But he always messed up his chances by breaking a small rule. They asked, Why would he do that? Well, Ben Gunn had earned respect by learning, helping other prisoners, and writing a blog that got a big prize. He felt good in jail, but bad outside. Like Ben, we all want to be part of a group. We like the things we get from being with others – but we also want to be better than them. We all play status games, trying to get praise and respect from our group. Higher status gives us more things, more love, and more hope for our children. But it also makes us happy, meaningful, and proud. Status games shape who we are. The groups we join and our place in them affect how we think and act. We play status games everywhere – at work, online, in hobbies, clubs, and even in our own minds. These games can make us work hard, create, and succeed. But the fear of losing status can also make us worry and do bad things as we try to keep or raise our place. Being alone or low can make us sick, as it hurts our body and mind. And so we connect – and, somehow, we learn how to play.

Chapter 2: Rules and symbols of the status game

All the vice presidents at an American company got single-pen desk sets. But one of them got a two-pen set, and soon everyone had three-pen sets. We may think we don’t care about these silly things, but our brains secretly check and compare other people’s status with ours through symbols like things, looks, and actions. Fancy brands, strong posture, and calm voice all show high status, making us change our own actions to fit those we think are higher than us. When experts watched Larry King’s interviews, they saw he changed his voice to match the famous star Elizabeth Taylor. But he did the opposite when he interviewed someone less popular. Humans are amazing in making and keeping status symbols. People on the island of Pohnpei get praise by growing and bringing the biggest yam to their yam parties, and they have rules around this that make those who cheat or brag feel bad. Americans in the 1950s showed off with their long cars. We like those who have the same status symbols as us, and we give each other status. But status games also make us compete. We want to be different from our friends, but also follow the culture. Cultures have different rules for playing status games. In the West, for example, people mostly play games to get their own fame. People in East Asia mostly play games to fit in and stand out. These games change how we see ourselves and act. Whatever things you have and whatever games you play, there are three ways you can do it: the prestige game, the dominance game, and the humiliation game. We’ll learn more about them next.

Chapter 3: Prestige games

Nobles used to fight with swords to solve their problems. This went on for a long time, until others copied them. Then it was not cool anymore, and the nobles stopped. No one fought with swords again. We still act like the nobles today. We look up to and copy people who win in status games, even if they hurt us. We do what high-status people do, hoping we will be like them. We copy without thinking. We use clues to find who to learn from. Usually it’s people who are like us, good at something, rich, or loved. The internet makes it easy to make stars, and we copy them a lot. High-status people like it when we copy them, but they lose their power over time, so they look for new things to show they are special. We all have a hidden rule to copy, praise, and agree with bosses, hoping to get higher status. But status comes from respect and love, not money or force. A poor monk who does good things may get more respect and power than a rich banker. And when prestige games don’t work, people may try dominance games.

Chapter 4: Dominance games

Caren Turner was mad at the police for stopping her daughter’s car. She showed off her power as a former lawyer and boss, and wanted the police to call her “Commissioner.” She was mean to them, and it was filmed. She lost her job and respect because of that. Her story is a good example of dominance. She was rude to get status and to make the police do what she wanted. Dominance can work; those who cut off people or show off their smarts can still win – but people don’t like them. While prestige is when people like you, dominance is when you force or scare them. Dominance is in our genes. We had to run or fight our enemies when humans were new, but now we mostly fight in our heads. Both dominance and prestige give us status, but we usually like leaders with prestige. When we feel our group is in danger, though, we choose leaders who are strong and mean. Dominance causes most killings. Professor James Gilligan talked to men who killed for over 30 years, and most of them said they did it because they felt no respect. While men usually use dominance or violence to keep their status, women use bad words, rumors, and leaving out to beat others. Online, men often say other men are bad at something, while women often say other women are easy. Dominance happens when we don’t know who is higher or lower – but if there is a clear difference, the higher person usually gets what they want. Dominance can work for a while, but it makes people angry and rebel. It makes people do what you say, but not what you do. Prestige makes people happy, not mad, to follow you.

Chapter 5: How humiliation can lead to violence

Humiliation is a very powerful emotion that can make people feel worthless. It happens when someone thinks they are important, but then someone else publicly puts them down and makes them look bad. The worst part is that they are not allowed to play with their group anymore and are kicked out. To feel better, they need to find new friends and build up their confidence again. But some people get angry and want to hurt the people who hurt them. They use violence to try to get back their respect. Many of the people who shoot up schools in the US are like this. They think they are special, but they are rejected by others. They can’t handle the humiliation. Some people in some cultures also kill their own family members if they think they have done something wrong and shamed the family. They think this is the only way to fix the problem. Humiliation is very harmful when we care too much about what others think of us and not enough about what we think of ourselves. This can happen when people get canceled online. It can make them want to kill themselves. If we want to understand why some people do violent things, we need to understand how humiliation works. It is not the only reason, but it is a big one. It makes people lose their status and want to get it back by hurting themselves or others.

Chapter 6: How social media makes us addicted to status

Some people in Silicon Valley learned how to make apps that people want to use and pay for from a teacher named B.J. Fogg. He was a psychologist at Stanford University. He showed his students how to make people do things with their apps. His class was very short, but his students did very well. They made apps on Facebook that had 16 million users and made $1 million dollars from ads. He had a formula for making people do things. He said they need three things: a reason, a reminder, and an easy way to do it. When LinkedIn started, people wanted to use it because they wanted to look good and successful. When they saw the status icon, they wanted to get more contacts. The app was easy to use and made them want to use it more. Fogg made it even more exciting by adding surprises. We never know how many people will like us or follow us, or what they will say. This makes us curious and happy. But it also makes us addicted. Social media makes us play games with our status. We want to be better than others in things like success, goodness, and power. The app makers know this and make the games more addictive. Studies show people look at their phones a lot. Most people check their phones first thing in the morning. Social media is like a gambling machine for status. We use it because we hope to get more likes and followers. We think we can get rich and famous from social media. Fogg told us this is not good for us, but it is hard to stop. He was very smart, but he also created a big problem.

Chapter 7: How status can cause wars

World War II happened because of many things, but one of them was Hitler’s message. He made people who felt bad and angry about paying money for starting World War I feel better. He said they were better than others and should fight for their status. Hitler didn’t make everyone believe him, but he made more and more people follow him. He made the game harder and harder. He did this by taking away people’s freedom. When people fight for status and start a war, they lose their own identity. They become part of the group and do what the group says. When the game gets harder, people who have doubts are forced to show they are loyal. They do this by saying others are not loyal. People start to hunt for enemies and blame them for their problems. People want to change the rules and make new laws to stop the enemies. This happened in the Spanish Inquisition, when people accused others of being bad and not following their religion. They did this even though it was not allowed. People want everyone to be the same and show they love the group. They start to be unfair and punish the enemies for things they don’t punish their own people for. This is very dangerous and has caused many wars and killings in history. When people care too much about status and feel humiliated, they often start wars and hurt others. This is very sad, but it is not hopeless. People can stop this if they understand their need for status and get it in a good way.

Chapter 8: How to have fun with status

Sir Paul McCartney was a famous musician with the Beatles, and he did well on his own too. But he was not happy when John Lennon’s name came first in the songs they wrote together. He changed the order whenever he could. See? No one can ever be happy with their status, no matter how much they have. But how can you play with status and be happy and successful? First, you need to be nice, honest, and good at what you do. Being nice makes people like you and not fear you. Being honest makes people trust you and play fair with you. Being good at what you do makes people respect you and enjoy playing with you. Doing small things to help others will make you more powerful over time. Next, don’t get stuck in one game or one group. Being defensive stops you from growing. Play different games with different levels, and focus on one or two games that matter most. Do more things that make you happy and strong. It also helps if you don’t judge others too quickly. Don’t try to get easy status by being good or bad. Try to get better at what you do. Try to see arguments as choices, not fights with winners and losers. Both sides can have some truth. Instead of fighting against bad things, try to be different in small ways that don’t break your game’s rules. Being different takes bravery, but makes you more interesting. You need to stop thinking that everything is a fight. Remember when you only cared about having enough food and shelter? Try to play bigger and better games. Your experience should make you wise enough to play games without worrying too much about your status. Try to get more power by being good, creative, and kind.

Summary

We want to be part of groups because they make us feel connected and important. We play games with our status to get more likes, things, and partners. These games make us who we are and help us do well, but they can also make us worried, hurt, and fight. Different groups have different rules for their status games, but there are three main games that everyone plays. Dominance is when you take status by force – unlike prestige, which is when you get status by being liked. Losing status can make you feel bad, which can make you violent and want to get back at others. Good status comes from being good, nice, and playing the right games. Knowing how status works lets us play smart – working together, being fair, caring, and not letting others push us around. Learning the right ways will help you stop competing all the time and find happiness beyond status.

About the author

Will Storr is a writer who has written many popular books like The Science of Storytelling, Selfie, and The Hunger and the Howling of Killian Lone. As a writer, Storr has been to many places like South Sudan, Uganda, Australia, and El Salvador for big newspapers and magazines, winning prizes for his TV shows along the way.